I really am unfit for this world.
I want to stop falling apart every step forward I take. Like it feels like I'm moving forward and moving on, but coming apart bit by bit as I go. I have this feeling that I might die soon, and while that thought used to run through my head constantly and I am very much aware of my mortality, the feeling I've been getting recently is incredibly uncomfortable... I guess it's the depression piece of me wanting to stop existing, so it's creating that image. At one point I planned to kill myself slowly and unassuming; so I wouldn't eat as much, I wouldn't move as much, I wouldn't interact with people as much. To lessen the hurt, I guess. I mean, I still very much desire to disappear, or to have not existed at all, but I kind of want to live because at least when I'm alive, I'm alive. It means I'm alive and I can still do something, sort of. Hope, it's called hope, when you are at least alive. I suppose since I've realized that I should in fact try to keep myself alive, the things I do have become horrifying. And I used to think it was all just me controlling it, but I really have no control over the depression, at all. I'm hungry and for some reason I can't make myself eat. I'm hurting and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, even though I've been getting so much better at seeking help. In fact I do recognize this silly journal entry on deviantart dot com is kind of a cry for help. I think, I was trying to finish an illustration that I wanted to get done before classes started again, and I was having trouble with the hands... And it's so silly, y'know, I mean, I tend to feel confident about my hands and the way I am able to observe, but this time I just couldn't get it right, and then it just spiraled. It got me thinking that any moment my body is going to shut down. Like it's this feeling, that all that bullshit I did and thought in those depressive moments where I didn't have the insight I have now, it's going to make my body crash as it ages. I mean, sure that sounds normal since we all die eventually, but I mean like. It's this feeling that I'll collapse like right now. 21 and a half. That's not a lifetime, so why is my body thinking it is? It's just so surreal.
I've said it before, and I often joke around saying that I'm a ghost, but it's always felt true. Aside from generally... not having any sort of presence in person, I've always felt that the consciousness I am experiencing is not the one my body is experiencing. It's just so surreal. I just want to be able to finish my work.